Let's Be Real - Being A Good Mother Has NOTHING To Do With Your Occupation

"Why don't you leave your job?"

It's a question that I hear often. But it's never directed at me. 

It's always, always directed at my mother. 

***

If you know me well, you'd know that I was raised in a relatively progressive Indian metropolis, where there are a lot of middle-class women juggling their household responsibilities and their jobs (and disturbing travel routines). 

Just like these women, my mother has also been working for nearly thirty years after her graduation. She is dedicated about her work and she has a solid group of friends. And her immediate family (meaning her parents, younger brother, husband and daughter), are completely fine with the fact that she's working, as it should be. 

However. 

(There's always a however, isn't it?) 

There have been people who have been generous enough to give nuggets of their 'wisdom'. Some of them would go: 

"Oh, you've been working for a long while. Why don't you take a voluntary retirement?"

OR 

"Why don't you leave your job? You can take care of your family better, no?" 

My mother, as always, very politely tells them, "No," and she promptly changed the subject. 

Apart from these vishesh tippanis, my mother's 'well-wishers' weren't able to say much. So, they redirected their attention to me. 

Even now, I remember, so vividly, how people in my neighbourhood would always stare at me weirdly. In fact, during one function in my society, I distinctly remember one uncle in our society would stand in the buffet queue, ahead of us, and he'd keep looking back at us, as if he was seeing the Oompa Loompas doing Zumba. 

Apart from this, I'd have relatives, who'd say, "Oh, I feel so sad for that poor child. She must be so lonely." 

Why all this? I'm guessing it's because my mother was a working mother and wouldn't have 'time' for me. 

Which is quite strange, actually. If I'm honest, even as a working mother, I never felt like I was starved off attention. 

Granted, due to our locality constraints at the time, I wasn't enrolled in multiple activity classes or I couldn't be thrown into dancing awkwardly at school events with makeup the size of a cake slice on. 

But that did NOT, in the least, mean that my mother wasn't focused on me. She was always responsible about me, even when she gave me the freedom to do what I want. She'd keep a track of what's going on in school and I was able to share things with her, no matter how uncomfortable they were. 

Even now, when I've grown up, we spend a lot of time together. On normal days, we watch movies and go shopping (she likes clothes, I like books - same difference). She knows what's up with my life, I know what's up with hers. 

If anything, having a working mother was anything but lonely. 

And you know what? I am goddamn proud of the fact that I'm her daughter. Every day, her work ethic and dedication continue to inspire me. The fact that she seamlessly manages her career and familial responsibilities, despite of these catcalls, is inspirational, for many people in the Indian diaspora. 

However. 

(There's always a however, isn't it?) 

Just because my mother is working, does NOT mean that I'm insulting homemakers. They may not be 'working' in the traditional sense, but their struggles are quite hard too.  

***

Back when I was younger, I didn't think too highly of women who weren't working. I'd think, "Oh, what do they have to do? They are SO DUMB! Apart from ensuring the needs of their husband and children, they just stay at home and gossip!" 

Which was, in a lot of ways, a very un-feminist perspective for a girl who claimed to be all for women's rights. 

Yet, last year, as I was doing a reflection piece for one of my gender studies courses, I realized how sexist and belittling that thought was. Because, come on. My maternal grandmother, the one I live with, is a homemaker too.

She isn't SO DUMB. She doesn't just gossip. 

She's bright, with twinkling eyes and a sly toothless smile. She reads news on her phone, daily, way more than anyone else I've ever known. She's my closest confidant and probably knows the Gen Z way better than Gen Z knows themselves. 

More than that, she doesn't just stay at home. 

Even though she was thrown off in a completely unfamiliar metropolitan city after her marriage, she adapted to the culture. Though she barely knew the language at first, she held her ground and built a life, with my grandfather and her children, my mother and uncle. 

Since she shifted here, she's seen everything - xenophobic slurs against linguistic minorities like ours, a refugee crisis post the '71 war, religious riots and familial disputes. But even after seeing so much, she's stayed strong. 

She's acclimatized to a fast-paced culture starkly different from her own tranquil native one. She's kept the family together, despite of every debilitating obstacle. She's built a world of her own, and she's done all of that with so much grace. 

It's impressive, in a lot of ways. But people still aren't happy. 

I remember, a couple of months ago, how her face fell when someone said to her, "The one who knows the value of money is the one who actually earned it." 

It's truly sad, how not just my grandmother's, but the strength and hard work put in my many homemakers, constrained by the societal structure, is devalued. 

***

People fail to understand the hard work of homemakers or working mothers. They just think, that no matter what, they aren't 'good enough'. 

A working woman might be having a successful career. But she's a 'bad mother'. 

A homemaker might be staying at home and 'taking care of children'. But she's not 'good enough' or is 'inconsequential', otherwise. 

Why are people failing to understand that motherhood isn't dependent on someone's occupation. There can be truly amazing working mothers or homemakers as mothers. On the other hand, there might be neglectful or helicopter mothers, who may or may not be working. 

Motherhood, if I'm being honest, transcends beyond occupational structures. A good mother is one who is able to give her children a stable environment, in whatever capacity she can. A good mother is one who loves you unconditionally, but doesn't pamper you in a way that you become a bratty braggart. A good mother is one, who teaches you to be strong and resilient to face life as it comes. 

If people would stop degrading mothers for their choices or circumstances and actually be more empathetic about it, that would be great. 

And the next time, if someone says stuff like "Why don't you leave your job?" or "Being a homemaker is nothing!" in front of my mother or my grandmother, they'll never know what hit them. 

***

THANK you, for reading this. 

Happy Mother's Day to your mother, dear reader (and to you, if you're a mother)! 

Stay safe, 

Much love, 

Archie <3